When life hands you a sticky-ass and stubborn dough, then go to town with a sticky-ass icing and your new pastry bag. This has been the second week in a row that some sort of anarchical breeze in the air has totally upended my recipe plans, but despite their challenged appearance, these cookies are super good. The challengedness may even add to their charm. This was supposed to be a fleet of elephant- and anchor-shaped cookies that was about one-half less Fail, but the dough was a huge pain in the culo to work with, hence the easy-peasy circles.
A bag of icing and the temptation to get perverted on a blank cookie canvas can be a little pressing for those of us with a sixth-grade maturity level, but (advice) I found that images did not come out as well as designs. The splatted arachnid is maybe my favorite example of a perverted drawing gone wrong (hint: the sticky-ass icing matched my totally ass mood at the time). And if you happen to be a cake decorator or have any sort of icing prowess, shoot me an email and let’s talk about bartering baked goods for decorating skills, yes?
Legend: dots, sweet tooth, HUD logo, dotted elephant, effed up tic-tac-toe board, a splatted arachnid, fetus-elephant, more dots, phallic stripe, dots, and more dots, a bicycle!, deformed scissors/four tennis rackets 
Oh hey man, your bike has some sweet geometry.
Classic Sugar Cookies
Adapted from Baked! New Frontiers in Baking
1 ¾ cup all-purpose four
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon baking power
¾ cups (1 ½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 Tablespoons cold vegetable shortening (Spectrum brand makes non-hydrogenated)
2/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1. In a medium bowl whisk the flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside. In a large bowl, beat the butter, shortening, and sugar until light and fluffy (about 3 minutes). Add the egg and vanilla and beat until just combined. Add the flour mixture, an mix gently until incorporated. Wrap the dough in plastic and refrigerate for at least 4 hours. (No joke, don’t skimp on this. This dough is a bastard to work with—the firmer the better.)
2. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F, and line two baking sheets with parchment. Dust work surface with flour (I found that I had to lay that flour on thick), unwrap dough and plunk it down. Roll out to ¼ inch thick. Dip your cookie cutter in flour, and use it to cut shapes out. Save the excess dough (from the outlines of the shapes), refrigerate again for about 20 minutes, roll out and go for it again. Bake the cookies for 12 minutes until they are set, but not browned (mine were fine brown). Let sit for 5 minutes before transferring to a rack to cool completely.
Royal Icing
2 cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2 large egg whites
2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
1. In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar, egg whites, and lemon juice until the mixture is completely mooth. It should be the texture of glaze, so add more sugar if it’s too thin, or more lemon juice if it’s too thick. I found that I had to add a lot more sugar. If you want to dye some of the frosting for accents, just divide it into the corresponding number of bowls and dye away.
2. A great way to decorate these is to use a small tip on your pastry bag, though as you can see, having a small tip doesn’t automatically give you artistic license. Just outline the shape you want, fill it in, and hope real hard that it doesn't run everywhere and ruin your vision like what happened to my cookies.
Adapted from Baked! New Frontiers in Baking
1 ¾ cup all-purpose four
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon baking power
¾ cups (1 ½ sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 Tablespoons cold vegetable shortening (Spectrum brand makes non-hydrogenated)
2/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1. In a medium bowl whisk the flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside. In a large bowl, beat the butter, shortening, and sugar until light and fluffy (about 3 minutes). Add the egg and vanilla and beat until just combined. Add the flour mixture, an mix gently until incorporated. Wrap the dough in plastic and refrigerate for at least 4 hours. (No joke, don’t skimp on this. This dough is a bastard to work with—the firmer the better.)
2. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F, and line two baking sheets with parchment. Dust work surface with flour (I found that I had to lay that flour on thick), unwrap dough and plunk it down. Roll out to ¼ inch thick. Dip your cookie cutter in flour, and use it to cut shapes out. Save the excess dough (from the outlines of the shapes), refrigerate again for about 20 minutes, roll out and go for it again. Bake the cookies for 12 minutes until they are set, but not browned (mine were fine brown). Let sit for 5 minutes before transferring to a rack to cool completely.
Royal Icing
2 cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2 large egg whites
2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
1. In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar, egg whites, and lemon juice until the mixture is completely mooth. It should be the texture of glaze, so add more sugar if it’s too thin, or more lemon juice if it’s too thick. I found that I had to add a lot more sugar. If you want to dye some of the frosting for accents, just divide it into the corresponding number of bowls and dye away.
2. A great way to decorate these is to use a small tip on your pastry bag, though as you can see, having a small tip doesn’t automatically give you artistic license. Just outline the shape you want, fill it in, and hope real hard that it doesn't run everywhere and ruin your vision like what happened to my cookies.
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